Success stories – eating disorders
Recovering from an eating disorder isn’t easy. We all need some inspiration from time to time to keep us focused on our goal of living a fulfilled, connected life. Jeanine’s story is inspirational about how she beat Anorexia Nervosa at the Wesley Eating Disorders Centre. Here Jeanine* talks about her ordeal to overcome the illness which kills one in five sufferers.
Jeanine’s story
Homesick and depressed, I returned from university in the US dangerously underweight. Controlling my hunger and therefore my body made me think I was in control of my life at a time when I was homesick and feeling lost.
With other addictions people want to relax and let go but anorexics seek being in control. When you eat you start to feel hungry and that is frightening because you’re not in control any more – you’re letting your body dictate to you.
To face eating a plate of food is like having to jump off a bridge – it means that level of abandonment of control. That’s so frightening that you keep yourself from getting better. In my room at the hospital I’d pace and pace all the time to lose weight. I became childish – hiding food, making excuses to go to the bathroom, exercising in secret. Before going into hospital I would make excuses not to join parties and go and exercise by myself.
I became fixated on numbers – numbers of kilos, calories, amounts of food. You’re counting what you’re taking in and how to get rid of it. You see food as an enemy everywhere around you.
When I was at my worst I was so under-nourished my feet and hands were turning black. You’re really only semi-conscious. I would burst into tears when faced with a table of food.
When I was very sick it was a relief to be an in-patient in the hospital and be medically monitored. I knew that if I was on my own I would die. It now seems ridiculous to want everyone fussing over me but at the time it felt safe.
The day patient program at the Wesley Eating Disorders Centre brought some normality back to my life. At mealtimes I would go into severe depression. I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone but being in the day patient program meant having to talk to others. You’re monitored very heavily during meal periods and you go home to the comfort of your family at nights.
My catalyst for getting well was that I was sick of being with people who were sick. There were girls 14 and 15 years old. There was a middle-aged woman. They were losing their friends. Their life contained the eating disorder and nothing else. That terrified me. I told myself, “Let’s move on, let’s be happy”.
I still have days when I struggle. Depression can reopen the anorexia. People don’t understand how psychological the disorder is. There’s a perception that you’re simply being obtuse. I know how it feels to be at the receiving end of that anger. But though I’ve been there myself, when I see people resisting treatment I get so frustrated and I want to yell, “It’s simple: just eat!”.
I love food. I’m a foodie. I’m the last person you’d think would have ever allowed this to happen. I used to read articles about anorexics and think, “That’s insane! Who would do this?”
*Jeanine now works for a major publishing house in Sydney. Unlike most people who would flinch from revisiting the scene of the darkest period of their lives, she visits Wesley Hospital Ashfield regularly to encourage new eating disorder patients through their course of treatment.
